Sunday, 21 January 2007

"Second Best Men" published January 21

It always pays to start the year with a strong mental list of nice men to think about. There’s the screensaver to update, the traditional search through the old videos just to see the guy naked. (I once watched three movies just to see Clive Owen’s bum and wasn’t disappointed.)
But the problem with nice men is that they’re just too perfect and our motto for the year 2007 should surely be reality. After last year’s general theme of disasters from Don Brash to Marc Ellis, it’s time we women got used to the fact that life is full of imperfections. News that there is a man drought should also encourage us to throwaway our “perfect” list with it’s demands for good taste in shoes and wine, and substitute it with the “second best.” In this list the guys can still be as gorgeous, kind and lovely as a vintage Sam Neill, but the edge is there’s something just a little bit off. Which is why it’s useful to cast your eye over a second best list of gorgeous men.
Let’s start with the guy who plays Wolf on Outrageous Fortune. Grant Bowler comes in the list first for having the most beautiful body we’ve ever seen in a pair of stubbies on New Zealand television but being absent for most of the last series. Bummer
Then there’s Mike Hosking, who I’ve observed is very popular with the ladies when he’s out and about, but he comes in second best because he’s one of our best broadcasters and doesn’t have his own TV show. Shame on you TV people in charge.
Jeremy Wells really deserves to be on the Perfect Man list, but he rides his bike without a helmet in rush hour traffic down hills very fast which is very second best behaviour.
John Campbell comes into the list for being tiresome.
Simon Dallow for being tired.
Steve Maharey deserves a mention because he’s good looking in that lawyer on the telly way but he’s a politician which is so second best.
Leigh Hart comes in because we’ve all seen him in Speedos on the Golden Kiwi ads and he’ll just never get into the Perfect Man list even if he can make grown women cry with laughter over lunch.
Antony Starr because he had to play twins on Outrageous Fortune which must be the equivalent of double time in Actor World, before we noticed him. Shame on us.
Looking further a field Josh Hartnett deserves a mention for being such a second bester to think that we don’t take paparazzi photos down under.
Owen Wilson for not using last year to play a character other than the one he plays in every movie, apart from the war one were he just sucked.
Adrian Grenier for being unbearably cute on Entourage but unbearably misused in The Devil Wears Prada.
Daniel Craig for being a cute little blonde Bond which was nice but the words “cute” and “little” just don’t go with the word Bond.
Adrian Brody for looking great in Prada, but that nose, man, that nose.
The American Office guy Steve Carell because despite being the first American to make a British comedy work, he’s still really, really hairy.
Leo De Caprio for still looking like the little boy he was in Gilbert Grape. There’s just no getting over it.
And there it is. Something to ponder as you sit at your office desk wondering why the hell we all rush back to work in January when no one really starts doing anything till school’s back in February. Now you have the “second best” list to Google one by one and get screensaver busy.

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