"New Residents" published June 10

New Residents

Every suburb has its influx of new residents. That’s how suburbs grow and prosper and most new residents bring with them interesting new religions, cultures and best of all cool ethnic food.
But not in Grey Lynn. Our new residents come from that far away place called Middle White New Zealand and the only thing new they bring with them is the word “aspiration” and an attitude called superiority. Because what we quaint inner city types who have lived here for a while don’t understand is that the New Resident has paid good – actually, silly - money to join us. And in the cultural richness that is Middle White New Zealand money buys you the right to be pompous, insular, judgmental and wear really bad clothes.
We older Grey Lynners on the other hand have earned the right to stand up for ourselves so here for the New Residents who might be finding it hard to fit in is a guide:
There are dogs in our parks which are allowed to run free. Contrary to media reports they are highly unlikely to maul your children, nor is it their fault that your child falls off its bike at the shock of seeing a dog running free on the other side of the park. If you want to live somewhere without dogs there are things called gated communities. Failing that perhaps the council will allow you to have one end of the park fenced off where you and your children can play exclusively while we stare at you in disbelief.
When you meet another New Resident in the supermarket do not stand in the aisle discussing your latest valuation. No one is interested in the fact that your house has increased in value by 100k in one year. Especially the Samoan shelf stacker who now has to find room for 10 new flavours of organic cashew nuts since you moved up the road.
Do not try to engage us in conversation. That’s why we’re wearing headphones on our walks around the neighbourhood now. We are not interested in your petition to do away with inorganic rubbish collections which visually pollute the streets for a massive five days once every two years. Nor do we want to partake in a street party, a pot luck dinner or form a Neighbourhood Watch scheme. If you’re lonely you only have yourself to blame.
Do not wear those clothes. You know the ones I mean. They’re the ones you refer to as “funky street wear” and you keep folded away in your drawer called “weekend.” If we wanted living Esprit catalogues walking around the place we’d live in Florida.
Don’t take your kids to the cafes. We know your new house was advertised as “just minutes from trendy cafes” but that doesn’t mean you take your kids with you. Have you ever met a kid who likes sitting at a café table while it reads the paper and orders another soy latte? Bored kids are a menace and if you doubt me just ask yourself why fluffies are the approximate measurement of a tablespoon. Café owners designed them that way so your child would finish up and you would be forced to take them somewhere else to perform their cute gymnastics and impressive squealing.
On the café situation, they are for eating, talking to friends then pissing off. They are not bus shelters or park benches which were designed for people to sit on and wile away three hours. Move along. You’ve been seen at the trendy café, time’s up.
Get rid of one of your cars. We all have. There’s a reason your suburb is described as “inner” city. You can walk to work in 25 minutes. Do it.
Do not allow your children to poke and gawk at the sleeping tramps in the park. They are part of us, they belong there and are not an excuse to give your children an impromptu lesson on the likely outcome of abusing alcohol and drugs. They might look like they’re asleep but they can hear you. We like them, and some of us talk to them rather than about them. The least you can do is leave them alone.
Consider forming a club. You can organise day trips out to where you came from to gaze at the dog free, bland environment you left behind. You don’t want to lose touch with that place because you’ll be moving back there once we’ve driven you crazy with our menacing dogs and inner city ennui.