"Things Not to Do" published October 15, 2006

The problem with being part of an ageing population which sees itself as eternally groovy is that we are constantly confronted with lists of things we must do before we die. Death is no longer something which happens when your body has had enough. It is now the finish line for the race to experience all that life has to offer, or we think it has to offer. So we are now confronted with lists of 100 books, 100 films, 100 albums, and 100 places to see before we die. We will not retire, we will simply buy all the “to do” guides and spend our newfound leisure time doing those things the guides tell us to do because we are so boring and lacking inspiration that our lives have become dictated to by a small pool of editors who publish the guides.
Well quite frankly I think that shows a distinct lack of creativity and individuality. What we should be telling people is things we should not do before we die. Avoidance of pointless pursuits is surely a more admirable achievement on your death bed:
1) Do not have a Brazilian. Yes I know lots of your friends have them, but ask yourself why. If your answer has something to do with looking like a prepubescent girl and making themselves attractive to balding, rich Parnell types who watch too much porn, then you have your reason not to. The other reason is it just hurts like hell, and life is already full of too much pain.
2) Take a year off. Why? So you can get out the “to do” guides and visit Machu Picchu while reading Moliere, listening to Mott the Hoople on your iPod and watching My Man Godfrey on your laptop (you’re up to the “M”s).
3) Run a marathon so you can have a nasty mishap involving blood, vomit or poos. Good times.
4) Video yourself having sex. The lighting will be all wrong. Have you really ever seen yourself from that angle? You will look terrible and who gets to keep it when you break up? And if you think he destroyed it like he said he would then how come his mates never look you in the eye anymore?
5) Go to university as an adult student. Yes they do all think you are a nana even if you do wear low waisted jeans and Chuck Taylors with your hand knits.
6) Eat curry flavoured mushrooms from Scotland.
7) Make love on a windswept beach. Two words “sand” and “crack”.
8) Rent a villa in Provence or Tuscany
9) See the Mona Lisa. It’s really small and surrounded by tall German tourists. There are better Da Vinci’s around the corner.
10) Have kids. Your unborn children will never know.
11) Dye your hair red. You will not look vibrant or whacky. You will just look like Kerry Fox in Angel at My Table.
12) Take an Italian cooking course. Buy a cookbook, oh but then you can’t bore your friends with the experience can you?
13) Write a blog. Send a chain letter, more people will read it.
14) Look into your child's eyes, see yourself, and smile. Give them a break, they don’t look a bit like you.
15) Have sex with a celebrity, unless you are actually aged 100 which would be interesting and worth selling the experience to a woman’s mag.
16) Win a date with an All Black at a charity auction. What would you talk about really?
17) Have an affair with a gondolier called Mario.
18) Start a petition.
19) Have Christmas drinks for the neighbours
20) Write a children’s book.
21) Buy a breadmaker.
22) Learn ventriloquism.
23) Wear Trelise Cooper.
24) Give children invented names.
25) Become head of TVNZ news and current affairs. Just ask Bill.
26)Hear yourself saying hello Leighton I’m a first time caller.
27)Do an Intrepid Journey. Have a real holiday with toilet paper, you’re a celebrity, you can afford it.
28)Have your portrait painted. You are not the Mona Lisa, take a photo
29)Be an extra on Shortland St. Oh hell why not, everyone else has.